My Anti-Feminist Rant

It angers me immeasurably how pervasive patriarchy is; how western thought and "traditional relationship" ideology is ingrained in me.

Ive spent years trying to decolonize, viewing people who maintained female=submissive, male=aggressor gender roles with condescension. Ive gone to therapy, and I would never admit openly how thoroughly Ive lost my shit over a man before...at least not without it being amusing. Ive critically analyzed my dependency, I know have "daddy" abandonment issues, but the first step to overcoming is acceptance. But when I think about how easily the feminist mindframe can be derailed, how quickly one can just give up the struggle, I get pissed. It boils down to this....I AM TIRED.

My first year of college, the beginning of my adult life, I was stalked and raped. The second I spent in an abusive relationship. The third I almost died. The fourth I dropped out from and the fifth I graduated (barely) after that allergy incident with one less degree than Id worked for. Now I have a degree that I may as well wipe my ass with (at least then it would serve some purpose lol). Yes I am tired, to say the least. Tired and under-appreciated and as much as it pains me to say, I want to marry some well-paid man, take care of him so he can take care of me, pop out some brats, and spend a few years comfortably keeping house. Then when Im ready to go back to school that financially well-endowed man can foot the bill...and I will never have another vexing concern regarding money, what Im going to eat, wear, where I will live, or what I will do.Yes the homemaker life is for me right now....the only problem is finding a 6-figure husband....Im 23 and for some reason I cant stop feeling 40. Its causing anxiety.

I was going to be a famous paleontologist, I may yet still. I am going to teach in the fall making an impact in the lives of underprivileged girls. I occasionally consider law school, or still trying to do stand up comedy. I want to experience life to its fullest before I die. I know I am strong for all the things I have overcome, and having had the support of so many other amazing womyn has helped me to keep it together throughout the years. But currently I dont feel very empowered. Yesterday I started cracking the fuck up laughing when I was asked, "Whats good about your life?" My response was "At least I gots two feets...and they work too!" When I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror, my first thought is, "Well, fuck it!" I just want to wash a dish, and do some laundry, prepare dinner and be taken care of...tell me that isnt as wrong as it sounds?